Listening to: Voodoo people - Prodigy

Prodigy are dead good at making me feel better..

You ever got that feeling that somethings just meant to be? Yet however much its supposed to be, the whole world seems to work against letting it happen.... And then theres those things that you just know arent meant to be at all, and they always manage to...

Maybe nothings meant to be.

I hate posting lyrics but this Colurblind song says exactly how i feel anyway so this is pretty much what id write if i wasnt copy and pasting instead...

Anyway.life goes on, best it can. Things are fine with phil, it only seems to be graham that this has messed things up with

I cant help thinking, is it me? Its whenever hes drunk, its him who starts it and its me who ends it....everything points to it being him, he apologises over and over in the morning for saying anything at all... but really, couldnt it be my fault?

First it was coz i wanted to go to MINT, he said i was being selfish, just ignoring him...everyone else says hes paranoid, posessive...but maybe hes just right? The next reason was coz i was "looking at megson" and he "hates the way i always look at other guys instead of him"... i was looking at megson for about 30seconds, because he was talking to me *frowns* but maybe i was checking guys out? I didnt think i was, i dont see any reason to, im not interested in megson.. or anyone else for that matter...but maybe i do give everyone else more attention?
Then we argued about ex's... or mainly graham, aparently i looked really shady the other day when graham called and i tried to keep it from him... maybe i was a bit weird about it, but only for his sake... i dont want him to get worried, jealous or whatever...plus i still have alot of feelings for graham so i guess deep down i do feel pretty guilty.

*sigh* i just cant help thinking, what if its like this every time hes drunk, wether its my fault or not doesnt matter, it happens when hes drunk (maybe coz hes irrational, or maybe coz hes got the confidence to really say what he thinks) everytime iv got drunk with him, or seen him drunk EVERY TIME, the entire night has gone tits up and iv ended up having the shittest night possible, and he wakes up in the morning completely oblivious to the arguments, saying he cant remember much but he had an ace night.

He worries too much, thats the problem...hes too nice

*sigh* but maybe hes not the problem?!? Argh my heads gonna explode. Maybe if i still have feelings for other people, feelings that i have no desire to get rid of, maybe i shouldnt be with him at all? Maybe i should be chasing what i know i really want...

Everything looks perfect from far away...

Things are good, im happy and everythings fine.. OR great, depending on how you look at it. Things are just weird... and im never quite happy with things being weird, sometimes weirdness just isnt what you need. Iv had enough of the weirdness, i need some security, i need everything sorted, everything in order, i need things to be usual.

*sigh* im really poo at knowing what i want...

Leeds Festival was amazing, some of my best memories were created that weekend...dancing with Mim on top of a bin to a huge crowd and nothing but one dude on a drum (and everyone drumming along with us on the sides of the bin) ...starting a game of Limbo with a coat hanger... festival rodeo, the riots (oh my god the riots), MYLO!!!! *grins* Biffy clyro! Bloc party, hot hot heat, incubus, foo fighters, etc etc etc... man it was amazing, met alot of sound people.

Greeny tried to jump over Afghans tent and completely squashed it, but i dont think Afghan made it back to his tent any night anyway...Levi broke into one of the trucks during the big riot and handed out crates of beer to the crowd, as if handing out aid in a third world country or something! hehehe impressive

Alot of malarky went on, it was crazy. And alot of stuff has happened since i got back actually. It doesnt seem like a month ago though, times strange.

I'm taking a year out, thats decided *grins* and im so damn excited about it! I'll join a Gap year organisation, although i need to decide which one yet, aparently theres some dodgy ones around so i need the cheapest trustworthy one i can find.

After exams, im gonna have a break through summer, working a few days a week but making the most of my last summer in kendal, go to festivals and things but still be working enough to be putting some money aside every week. And then ill have to start working my ass off when everyone else goes to Uni, and as soon as iv saved enough money ill go away as a volunteer to South Africa, Thailand or somewhere (depending on prices and placements, hopefully with kids or helping a community)

And then i have to go to Uni. Im terrified, but a year out puts it further away from me which is really handy. I need to decide pretty soon on which Uni to go to. God damn its so stressfull, i cant wait till i can just forget about it and start working full time.

Stephs left for Uni, which is weird. Phils quitting his job, which is weird. Emily and Holi have quit smoking, which is weird. Doo and Laura have got to be much closer friends, which is weird. I feel alot like i dont have a close female friend sometimes... i dont know, holi tends to do her own thing now and im no longer invited with iggy, dc etc. :( Claires always away...And lauras always done her own thing, she never ever ever calls, either stays in or goes out with other people, i dont seem to be a consideration for something to do or someone to talk to anymore. Stephs gone, and had Tom and lots of other close friends whilst she was here anyway. And doos got so many good friends that she doesnt call anymore either.

*sigh* im just being silly, im really bad at handling CHANGE and when everything changes, and gets weird, i cant change with it.

Where do i start...

Long time no blog! i must apologise but ive been sooooo busy... i shall have to update you on the many exciting new things in my life at a later date.....*runs off*

Listening to: One giant leap -- Dunya Salam

Listening to: Massive Attack - Black Milk (not that i can hear it)

The kids next door are playing with their ringtones outside. Theyve been doing this for about an hour now.
Meanwhile, iv been trying to find out how long id get for murder in response to annoying ringtones...
His favourite seems to be "show me the way to amarillo"  :sho ck:

Only had work for a few hours this morning, but i was half asleep for the duration, the cutomers were drinking their tea and coffee black today whether they liked it or not and most of them had to eat with their hands in a rather uncivilised fashion. Cutlery and milk are FAR too much effort to remember. For a wee thing like me anyway *smiles sweetly*

Its really handy how i get away with things by looking pathetic! *puppy dog eyes* awww look at me, im so sweet and innocent you couldnt possibly shout at me for that boiling hot water thats slowly soaking into your trousers and scarring your legs for life, your just gonna have to pat me on the head and give me a lollipop and deal with the pain once im out of sight. :)

Guess what!??! Iv got my leeds ticket!!!! I'm the happiest iv been in months! eeeeeee i can't wait! i'm so stupidly excited, and so is everyone else which makes it so much better, group excitement has to be the best feeling in the world!

Going to see Charlie and the chocolate factory tonight, and then probably popping into Bam Bams leaving do. Fucking wish i was moving to Oz, it would be SO cool...

Oh and please look at the post below, im selling a cd burner on eBay, if anyone wants it?? click the link in the post below..

I'v been selling a few things on ebay, need the money! Theres a few days left on this last thing, please atleast have a look, you never know it could be exactly what you've been looking for! *grins*

>> IT BE HERE, ENDS IN 3 DAYS << its a bargain! and i need the money, so buy it or ill cry!

Its a CD burner by the way, everyone needs a cd writer - you can put all your favourite music onto cd! Can also be used as a regular cd drive for listening to cds or playing games, etc. Any takers? just click the link..

Will blog properly later...

About to go to work, yes thats right ME..WORK. *grins*

its far too early in the morning for me.

*yawn*

finish at 5 so i shall poke people when im done, people should make sure theyre answering their phones, and should also invite me to that meal their going to if its tonight, hehe :)

Quote: "Theres a hooker in my chair!" - Claire

I'm definately going to Leeds festival!!!! Ok, so i havent technically purchased my ticket yet but i will have enough money REALLY soon, plus iv been offered a ticket so im DEFINATELY going, even got my lift and a tent space sorted *grins*

Rather over-excited about it *jumps up and down* eeeeee Mylo, lemon jelly, biffy clyro, incubus, pixies!!! Soooo many bands, my heads gonna explode eeeeee its gonna be SO good...

Anyway.

Grahams birthday today...happy birthday monkey boy.

Things i need to do before summers over:
--Go to the Zoo!!! We must organise a mission to the zoo or else ill cry!
--Go swimming atleast one more time (if it doesnt get sunny again then fuck it we'll just have to grin and bear it coz i WILL go swimming..)
--Leeds festival obviously :)
--Acid/other group drugs experiences
--Go on a girly shopping trip, preferably to London but depending on funds so probably somewhere closer..
--Find an occasion to wear my bunny ears (therefore, convince Holi that she wants have a fancy dress party at her house whilst her parents are away, fancy dress parties are all the rage! i swear! *grins*)
--Play pool! We used to play pool every night, but then the brewery became the place to be (and the only decent pub around here) so no more pool for us :( we must take some time off from the brewery and go somewhere new and exciting, or just Preston or somewhere..

I was thinking about my 18th the other day, just wondering what ill do for it... i wanna have a parrrtaaay, but where would i have it? Dont really want to have a rugby club do, and im not allowed in Dickies so cant use there... *shrug* hardly need to worry about it... i just like thinking about parties :)

In other news, Holi seems really happy, in that REALLY happy content kind of way (i say this coz i just read her blog, she could have infact experienced an unlucky chain of events since then, including spilling hot drinks on herself and stepping in dog shit, etc...in which case, chances are, shes no longer all that happy...) but the point is, wives being happy (Louis made a comment last night about Claire always having a grin on her face too) makes a Hannah extremely happy *wanders off grinning*

Its surprising how hard it is to get someone out of your head sometimes. Strange how my emotions seem to work. *shrug*

Today there is water falling from the sky, which is terribly unhandy. Although i still managed a mission into town, where i gots me a Saturday job at Farrers coffee shop *looks proud* to go along with my other job at Homebase *grins like a chesire cat* yup thats right, i have TWO JOBS.

The last few weeks have been a little weird, its finally Summer... we've got like 8weeks off or something..and its proving muchly difficult to keep ourselves entertained/funded already. *sigh* and most peoples highlight of summer will be Leeds Festival which i dont have a ticket to yet. YET. (watch this space)

If the sun would just come back, we could do a million amazing things.

I have a smile on my face though and a popcorn following me around looking cute *grins* options for things to do tonight are pretty poo but im in a good mood anyhow.

Listening to: Air - Moon Safari

Woke up this morning in just as foul a mood as yesterday and planned to do the same thing and hibernate all day, (and infact every day in the foreseeable future)
...but then i dragged myself out of bed and saw the sun outside, which for some reason seemed to be a positive thing today.

And then i discovered my back wasnt hurting as much so i dont feel like a cripple anymore. Plus i came down to make some breakfast/lunch and signed into MSN and an old friend was online, he cheered me up muchly especially with talk of Leeds Festival and inviting me to his house party in a few weeks... *smiles* And then i was reminded that i need to go to Focus (i didnt get round to it yesterday) and just the fact that i had things i need to do made me feel a little bit more like staying out of bed, plus i REALLY REALLY need a cigarette, and have no baccy so i must get a holi to meet me wether she likes it or not, and it makes the day seem alot more enjoyable to think that im gonna get a wife...

Although it has just occured to me again that i missed that rave last night *sigh* ah well im sure theres another one soon...

As for recent events in my life.... i think boys are silly and we should throw rocks at them. Think i like a guy (see thats the first problem, i dont even KNOW if i like him or not..) who happens to be hopelessly in love with someone whos just moved away from here (which is almost a good thing, but distance doesnt really make love any less...and he'd still compare every female he meets to her, and shes far too hard to compete with..) but then theres this other guy...and...and i dunno...theres something dead special there, im sure there is...but thats a no go anyway, for reasons i cant disclose, so yeh scrap that. But then theres this other guy, this guy iv loved to bits for years, mainly as a friend but i guess iv always thought i would SO marry him given the chance, hes fucking amazing...but i didnt really expect anything to ever happen with us, we're just really good friends and have been for far to long for anything to change now... but it did, and i dont know if it was an accident that we kissed or not... hes far too special to just let go of him if theres ANY chance there... *shrug* but it would be so complicated...

Anyhow. Thats just a fraction of whats going on in my head, just so you know the reason for this look iv got on my face *points* its called confusion, and it seems to always be there...

(edit: Man i sound like such a dick, this sounds like one of those blogs thats bright pink aNd WrItEs LiKe tHiS and goes "*squeel squeel* *insert tacky american name here* says that *insert tacky male american name here* fancies me *squeeel*....etc"
Well im not an american twelve year old with the IQ of a snail, just so you know. And i apologise muchly for sounding like one.)

Today i feel like poo.

Its sunny outside and all i can be is bitter about it coz its a) too hot and b) wasted as i have nothing to do in the sun...

Do you reckon I'm just gonna carry on like this for the rest of my life making mistake after mistake, messing up time after time, trampling everything good that ever gets thrown my way....Its not that i dont learn, its just that knowing doesnt seem to help...

I never seem to know what i want, i dont have a clue whats best for everyone so it would be helpful if i atleast knew what would make me happy...

*sigh* i dont like today. My head hurts and my back hurts and i went home with someone elses jacket last night instead of my own, plus i got started on by scallies on the way home, one of which tried to strangle me... I am muchly grumpy. Cant even go back to bed coz i dont seem to want to sleep anymore and it seems to be making my headache worse. And i cant find any food that looks appealing... *hmph*

Currently attempting to sell all of my belongings on eBay due to lack of fundage.

I got a job!! at.. *cough* Homebase... (dont laugh) doesnt start until September, and its only for a few hours a week but atleast thats a tiny bit of income sorted for next year...

As for a job right now, which is what i need, i have asked EVERYWHERE... iv tried Halfords, Farrers, Kshoes, Lakeland Limited, M&S, Famous Footwear, that shop with the cushions and candles and things, lol... and yeh pretty much every other shop in ENGLAND. *sigh*

Not sure if selling things on eBay is gunna be worth it coz all iv found to sell so far is a few bags, a few old tshirts and jackets, lots of books, some old cds and tapes, a shiny box that i think is supposed to be for makeup or jewellry or something...etc etc... i cant really sell all of those little things seperately on eBay. I know what i need, a car boot sale!! Or is eBay a better plan?

Better get a lift to Focus whilst my mums in (to ask for a job) maybe i could take Colleens place *sly grin*...

Swimming... sunbathing... brewery... sunbathing... swimming... sunbathing... swimming... sunbathing... brewery... swimming...

Thats been my last few days. Quite satisfactory i'd say. If only it didnt go cold all of a sudden today, and the dead sheep didnt infect the water and innocent questions from friends didnt screw with my head when i didnt know the answers... *sigh* BUT i have money :) so now i shall go to the brewery methinks... (iv been sunbathing all day, and just went "swimming" so it seems the logical next step)

Not alot more to say, except grrr men so confusing...i hate being messed around PFFT.

I cant put the inside of my head into words today. I have a lot to say but i cant find a way to say it. Im not quite sure how im feeling, not quite sure how i should be feeling and not all that sure what everyone else is feeling. I dont know what to say and when to say it today, i cant collect my thoughts together, or understand anyone elses. Its like im somewhere else, atleast not all of me is here like it should be. Perhaps it shouldnt be?

I dont know if iv gained something or lost something but stuffs definately different today, and im presuming its not the rest of the world thats changed...

Is nobody else worried by the weather we're having? I'm all for the sunnyness and heat and opportunities for sunbathing and swimming and general enjoying of the outdoors, but surely its not natural. I mean, one minute its cold and wet, and the next the temperatures suddenly multiplied by ten!? And every now and then the wind picks up to scarily stormy like proportions, and the airs all moist and clammy. (Man, i love the word moist...just say it, go on..) And then it even rains every here and there with the heat, and the tropical feelingness... its just not right.

Well i reckon i should leave someone else to worry about it, im sure one day the government might notice the environment, perhaps about the same time that global warming, etc.. kills their children..

Anyway, more important topics.. in the world of me, all is content. I got this amazing feeling driving back from Brockhole the other day...i think we may call it happiness. *grins* Its like it just suddenly came over me, like what the hell am i worrying about, all is good and is gonna be good for as long as i want it to be, which is forever and ever..

Had a crazy last week or so, well not crazy like ccrraaaayyyzzeee *waves arms around to demonstrate* just crazy like a bit different to the average day. The weathers been a help, it let me sit and look at the shiny lake with wives and badger and suchlike in bowness, with shiny mist and ooooooooh aaaaahhhh -ness. Been sat in the sun alot in various places, went to see a miniature village - huge dissapointment, when they say "miniature village" in the leaflet, thats all they mean. No fun, no excitement, no benches (apart from ones that seemed to belong to the household..), no shop selling merchandise and ice-cream, no hats. Nothing. Just.. very.. small.. houses.

Went back to school today  :shock:  thats all i have to say about it, it deserves no more of my time.

Holi reminded me the other day of how much i used to love being in a car, you know when people you know first start turning 17, and your being driven around by people you know that arent your parents for the first time in your life, it feels like an adventure even if your just driving to the shop. You feel free, dead powerful, like your in control of your life so much more, like your aaall grown up :) hehe... I remember how fucking amazing it used to feel being driven out of town every night, when i was hanging out with the CoD guys and suchlike, i used to just sit their staring out of the window whilst Kendal dissapeared into the night behind us. That wasn't so much coz the driving was still exciting, i think i was over that by then but it just felt SO GOOD to be getting away from kendal, and the fact that it was night time aswell, everytime it felt like i was going away for ever, like i was taking control and going to do what I wanted to do... *sigh*

I think that is all for today.

Also, Harry.

Does he seriously not understand that i already know all that.

I know i made mistakes, i know they were stupid and i know nobody has any respect for me because of it. I dont need him to tell me that, im trying to sort myself out, im not fucking around anymore and i feel pretty damn shit about everything i did, what the fuck was he hoping to achieve by telling me everything i already know. Yeh maybe i deserve it, but i didnt think someone like him would ever sink that low.

"Take a good look at yourself" "Sort yourself out" Does he really think im that niave not to know exactly what im like, i know im a worthless little slag and i have sorted myself out, theres nothing i can do now about everything iv already done. I was hoping people would be mature enough to give me another chance, see me for who i really am. Like Steph for instance, she did far worse than me but everyone understands that was just a silly mistake/phase, and everyone has so much respect for her now.

Maybe nobody will ever respect me, but im doing all i can to earn that respect back, what else am i meana do?

Does he seriously not get it, that hes kicking me while im down?! Theres no fucking need to treat me like shit, i already treat myself like that. I know im a bad person and he knows everything iv done that makes me that way (especially everything aside from the sleeping around malarky) I'm diong my best to get back on my feet, im really really fucking trying to be ok and the last thing i need is his shit.

Im fucking sorry if i involved him in my shitty little life, and im fucking sorry if i fucked his up even half as much as i fucked up my own. And im sorry i ever thought it wasnt my fault.

Maybe he just wanted to ruin my life a little, the way he says i ruined his, he'll never understand how sorry i am for messing him around but theres no fucking need to try and get fucking revenge. How mature is that. I kiss someone else, so he does the same. He starts avoiding his friends, aparently coz of me, so hes gonna try and make me have no friends too. Maybe they do say that stuff about me, i know its true anyway...i was just hoping one day maybe they'd like me.

I dont get whats up with me, im just... im going crazy. I think thats what it is, im going fucking crazy.

I cant think straight, i feel out of place in a room with my friends, i dont understand. Went to the pub last night and it just felt like i shouldnt be there, felt like i had to make loads of effort just to make polite conversation and it shouldnt be like that. I shouldnt be like that. I dont know what it was, it was fine one minute and then all of a suddent here i was being grumpy again, sitting in the background watching everything happen around me... it hasnt been like that for months, and i dont want it to be like that. I dont get why its like that again all of a sudden...

And i just fucking wish i knew what was the right thing to do, im sick of doing the wrong thing. I am so fucking sick and tired of making the wrong decisions and messing everything up. I am so fucking sick of being the loser, im always the fucking loser. I just wish someone would make my decisions for me, tell me what i should do and what i shouldnt, coz i cant seem to get it right for myself.

Like now, obviously everyones telling me i should find a lovely guy, move on from all the shit with G and stop being so bitter (may i add im only being bitter coz hes being so fucking mean to me and iv never been treated like that before, im not used to people hating me and i dont like it) And here i am with this lovely new guy around and i dont know if i should be taking the opportunity and seeing how it goes with him, or if i should get out of there before i have any chance to hurt him and make sure he knows we're just friends before i dig myself a hole and make another person to be awkward with.... ggrrrrr why are things so fucking difficult, im just gonna make the wrong decision again and mess things up with more people, whichever way i choose i just know it'll be wrong and someone will get hurt/pissed off.... *sigh*

Like holi said, i need din spoctors

I also need the pub

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH

*screams at top of lungs*

In unrelated news, i have no baccy *sulks*

Its nearly half 2 in the morning and im in need of sleep ,yet im still sat here. Thinking about the shore...

Its a story im keeping for myself *clutches the memory to my chest* But sometimes i wish i could share why the seas such a special place to me...

I want to see the sea tomorrow no matter what it takes...

Listening to: VAST

I'm in one of those places, in between everything. Stuck in the middle of every possibility and not knowing which way im supposed to go... not even sure of the options but i know there must be some there. I just dont know what im doing with myself, or what i should be doing with myself. That sounds rude, i dont mean wanking...

I dont know. I just feel dead lost, i dont know anything at the moment...

I feel like theres something missing, im so empty. No matter what i do to make myself happy its never quite enough. I dont know where i belong, i dont even know who i am. I think thats the problem, i dont know who im supposed to be...

theres nothing better than scrambled eggs and a cup of tea to start your day :)

Wrote a blog a few days ago saying what id done over the past week or so, and tblog thought it would be jolly hilarious to delete the fucker. *sigh* so here goes again...

Thursday i had my last exam, woo and yay! And just as i was wondering what i could do to celebrate, having no money, i get a phone call offering me a free ticket to Hell is for heroes, how handy! So i jumped in the car and went to Carlisle for the night :) Twas a good gig. Also saw a hearse being towed with the coffin still in the back, Unlucky! I bet he was one of those people who were unlucky in everything, like Afghan. Maybe it was Afghan.

Saturday went to a rave in Lindale. Dead. Good. A few too many scallies and dickheads and lack of people i knew but i had a dc and tom to look after me, and it was hard not to have a good time... mmmmmmmm rave.

I think my first defining moment of this summer has to be jumping on a trampoline, underneath a billion stars (it was such a beautiful clear night), looking down the hill at loads of people dancing around a fire with strobe lights and sofas and things... mmmm...

Monday i woke up with tonsilitis. God damn hippies. Tuesday Katiedoo had a garden party which was pretty good, i was in a bad mood all night though and pretty sober compared to everyone else so i just sulked all night...

Wednesday i finally did that thing iv been needing to do, and fucking hell i should have done it before now because it means everythings over, everythings good. Its all ok. *phew* To cut a long story short, Wooooo!!!

But then Thursday my sister came back from Uni. And within a few minutes of being home we've had an arguement and shes told both my mum and my dad about all the stuff i thought i could finally forget. Now it all has to be brought up all over again, meaning its gonna be a good few months until my heads gonna be in one piece again. I just dont wanna have to think about it and with them tip-toeing around me or trying to get me to talk to them about it, its always gonna be there in the back of my mind and once again i cant get on with life coz thats all i can fucking think about.

Cheers sister. CHEERS.

Anyway...Last night was pretty poo, just wasnt in the mood to be out whatsoever. Went to weatherspoons, Fletch was there. Woo. So we went to bootleggers, which i wasnt in the mood for especially with some creep coming onto me so i left, and excellent, just what i need, the fucking creep follows me and insists on walking me home. I know he was just being nice but more than anything i just needed the walk home to myself, as soon as i get home the family are all around so its the only time i get to think. Which meant i was in an even shitter mood when i got home, with all the energy in the world coz id slept all day. *sigh*

Anyway. Enough ranting. I think this is a long enough silly enough blog for now, it was going to be a good mood blog but i seem to have dug myself a hole. Ah well, im still feeling in a good mood so im gonna ring around and find someone to come and buy ice cream with me whilst i look for a job...

I hate leaving things unsaid.

Nothing gets to me more than a conversation when neither one taking part knows what the other means, the kind of conversation where your both talking about completely different things. Or even worse when someone quite simply takes something you say in a way you didnt mean it, but you you dont explain, so you get pissed off at the way they react to what you said and then they think that your pissed off at the way they reacted to what they think you said when in fact they reacted that way to what you actually said, which was exactly the same thing, only it meant different, and didnt deserve that reaction.


...Yes...I have been drinking, how can you tell?

This was all brought on by a conversation with haribo, i said we should do something later on in the week and immediately i can tell that he took that as *husky voice*maybe we can hook up sometime*wink wink nudge nudge* which totally wasnt what i meant. And he made it PERFECTLY clear that he would rather chew his own foot off than meet up and so i was all offended and pissed off that he actually doesnt like a Hannah, when i thought i had a good friend in graham, so then he thought i was sulking, and THEN he slips in Hayleys (sp?) name and i wouldnt have been bothered but it seemed SO much like he was slipping it in on purpose, like just incase i hadnt already got the idea that he wanted me to back off. Psh. Graham your uber cool but I GET IT, we're friends. I'm happy with that. Oh wait... unless ofcourse, im the one getting it wrong and maybe he knew exactly what i meant he just really doesnt want a hannah friend.

I hate that everytime i call him i feel like im stalking him or something, like the ex that just wont get the idea... dammit i hate being an ex, i hate having ex's, why cant everyone just be friends????

I mean... in a way, in the least offensive way possible, i kind of wish we'd never gone out... i mean, if nothing had ever happened with us maybe id have one more crazy buddy (a little crazier than the rest) and he'd have one more crazy buddy...instead of both of us having moody ex's.

I rant alot. Sorry.

I've got four weeks study leave!!! Woooo and Yaaayyy!!! OH YEAH!! Cool beans. And the suns gunna come out and we're gunna partaaaaay on down. I have two more exams first, but thats ok im revising tomorrow methinks... unless i spot anything shiny and wander off...

Have you ever been put into a situation where your forced to think about life on a larger scale than usual? Ever found yourself realising exactly what life holds for you, and exactly what it doesnt? Its moments like these i wonder what all this is about.
Reproduction? How can that be the meaning of life, when all that does is create yet more meaningless, pointless life.
Is life purely for our own pleasure? Then why all the pain?
They do say that seeing the smile on the face of your own baby makes life worth it, that cancels out anything negative. Maybe that is what this is all about.

Where does that leave me then? Meaningless?